insomnia

Life is incredibly hard right now. I feel so many things it's overwhelming. Who could sleep? Now, I pretend to be doing anything other than avoiding sleep, avoiding tomorrow, delaying the moment the phone rings...

I feel like I have a lot to say and no where to say it. To private for a blog. To much to lay onto another individual.

My Misspent Youth

Whenever I read essay-style memoirs I get my hopes up that the writers will be immensely funny, brilliantly witty, mindbogglingly intelligent or at the very least my kindred spirits who have the same deep thoughts as me plus that ability to express them in writing. Most of the time I'm let down. Meghan Daum's My Misspent Youth, aptly enough, revolve around the theme of being let down. Or more specifically, being let down after developing a whole big fantasy about how some situation will play out.

I did enjoy several of the essays. Really. Some are funny, some are intelligent, but none are my soul mates. Not even close. Basically, while I appreciate her honesty, I think Megan Daum is a rich-kid snob. And I too am snobby enough to spend my whole entry complaining rather than talking about the things I liked.

A few specifics:

• Love the concept of baby dolls as meta (without using the word "meta", because the book came out in 2001 and back then "aesthetic" was the word of the day).
• Did not understand the carpet essay. I get that she's accepting and celebrating her own brand of snobbishness. And I found that mildly entertaining. I'd probably do the same. But I don't understand the association of carpet with faux-class. In my neck of the woods, no one pretends carpet is a sign of wealth. You have to be wealthy to afford anything other than wall to wall carpet.
• Essays on polyamory and flight attendants seemed out of place and boring. Rejected New Yorker articles that she worked too hard on to not publish somewhere, anywhere, how about in the book?
• Writers writing about the publishing industry (along with novels staring a main character who is a novelist) feels narcissistic and boring.
  

I think at some point, Daum considered herself to be the voice of her generation, or at least of her aesthetic. A short 8 years later and I find myself not in her aesthetic or her generation and marveling at how fast times change.

Other conflicted women

I'm not alone and totally relate with her.

I hate how women think they have to be thin to be beautiful.

But sometimes I don't eat.

And sometimes I can't stop eating, it's like a drug and I am ashamed of myself.

I think the women in advertisements have been photoshopped to "perfection" and it's sad that's what we expect women to look like.

But sometimes I wish did look like them.

I'm a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman.

I don't always believe it.

Am I a feminist?

I'm one of those people who puts thier cat on drugs

So after I made the incredibly difficult decision to put the cat down, he starts behaving like a sweetheart. The last 2 nights he’s been great! Only howling for about 20 minutes on Sunday night and less than 10 last night! Ah sleep.

We went to the vet this morning. And he was even good there for a while. He sat on my lap like a limp rag for the whole interview and didn’t start snarling and hissing until the vet actually touched him. We confirmed that he has been gaining weight (2 lbs in less than a year!!), but ruled out all my other medical concerns. In short, while she’s concerned about the weight gain, she thinks the howling is not a medical issue. It’s a behavior issue and possibly because of my traveling so much and having irregular bed times and got giving him enough play time.

She gave me a few options, including training, medication, re-homing and death. She said there is a small market of folks who are looking to adopt special needs pets, particularly families with diabetic children often seek out diabetic animals, but his behavior and last week’s attack would make him unsuitable for most situations. She seemed to think the humane society would put him to sleep and it would be better to not subject him to a scary shelter for his last days. I honestly don’t have the energy or patience to attempt another training regiment.

We decided on Valium. Prozac was also on the table, and might have been better because it would regulate all his grumpiness – not just his nighttime grumpiness, but I like the idea that I can only medicate him as needed and frankly, grumpiness is his personality and most of the time I can live with it. Also, this way the pet sitter won’t have to try to pill him (she told me that she didn’t think it would be safe for her to do so) and he doesn’t have to be medicated when he’s having a good night. But, the Valium is only expected to address the night time howling and agitation issues. It won't do a thing for the pooping on the floor or generalized evil-ness.

I kind of feel like I’ve really failed at training him. If it was a medical issue, it wouldn’t be my fault. But now it seems it’s a training issue = my fault and I’m fixing it through drugs. I’m so glad I’m just a cat owner and not a parent.

I hope this works.

Green Books Campaign: Listening to Trees

This review is part of the Green Books campaign. Today 100 bloggers are reviewing 100 great books printed in an environmentally friendly way. Our goal is to encourage publishers to get greener and readers to take the environment into consideration when purchasing books. This campaign is organized by Eco-Libris, a a green company working to green up the book industry by promoting the adoption of green practices, balancing out books by planting trees, and supporting green books. A full list of participating blogs and links to their reviews is available on Eco-Libris website.

A.K. Hellum's Listening to Trees is a forestry memoir. After a long and acclaimed career in forestry, Mr Hellum shares stories and concerns for the future of the Earth's forests.

I found the first part of the book to be most enjoyable. Mr. Hellum talks about his time as a young logger, in a time before semi-trucks, chainsaws and clear-cutting. It's clear that his relationship with the forests he worked in was much stronger than those of loggers today.

Later, he discusses common issues in forestry and bemoans the lack of knowledge, respect and forethought that foresters put into planning forested areas. I found this to be terribly depressing and somewhat confusing. If, as he states, foresters don't know the first thing about how to select species for replanting, how to identify local flora or about ecology in general, what do they know about?

I enjoyed the hand-drawn sketches throughout the volume.

True to Hellum's philosophy, the book is printed on 100% post-consumer waste recycled paper, as are all the books from the publisher, NeWest Press.

On turning 30

• Today a complete stranger told me "You're salt and pepper is coming in so pretty".
  
• I finally saw Julie and Julia and loved it. I didn't know that Julie's 30th is party of the story.
• I'm 30 and still have acne.
• Thinking about my life these days, realizing things about myself and wondering how I didn't notice them for 30 years!
• My boyfriend is an amazing cook!!
  

In less depressing news:

Washington passed Referendum 71!!!

This is a meaningful day for all the couples awaiting their rights. I am so happy for them and happy to live in a state with the common sense to finally do this.